PENYESALAN....30 JULY 2009

i really don know how to be my self anymore. i not a competent person and i hate it. i really despise it. i felt hopeless and useless. now i'm no longer in my comfort zone. i in the world where everything i do is stupid and i need to somebody that are realiable,confident, and funny. after moving to rented house with my clasmate eifa, i realise how naive n childish i am. i can't drive, i can't ride a bike and make us accident. i ruin the bike, bruis myself n eifa. i can't cook. i realise that i'm a books persons n not a technical one. i wonder how can i survive in this fashions world? can i? i choose this world out of blues. i now i cant let it down. i cant let my parents down. maybe i should get a broadband. i thinks i just to bored...maybe i need to chat, n discover the net. or i should find a boyfriend or scandal. i need something to do. but now actually i dont want to do anything. my life is empty. i should fill it with something. i should make my life a little meningful like make the canvas beg n do my resej book and skecthes.i cannot just sleep n do nothing i felt stress out doing nothing, maybe now the time i should lern to do my job. k rubi u can do it. just one step at a time. rubi boleh!!!!!

BERDIKARI..12 july 2009

apakah itu berdikari? adakah kita harus berdiri diatas kaki sediri tanpa memperdulikan orang lain? adakah kita perlu mementingkan diri sendiri agar cita2 kita dapt dicapai tanpa memperdulikan orang lain?

DEMI MASA……6 MARCH 2009

DEMI MASA.

SESUNGGUHNYA AKU DLAM KERUGIAN…

Masa…masa…aku panat btul la kalu pasal mase ni..

Aku slalu terlebih mase lapang sampai bosan nak mati tp kadang2 aku langsung x ckup Mse sampai xleh nak nafas, kalu aku buat jadual… aku rase terkonkong.. xder life.. kalu aku wat bodo cam dah takder bende nak buat…emm,, tp aku slalu mnyesal sebab aku x reti gner maser. Aku mnyesal sbb aku bkan minah social yg tahu semua manusia yg penah dier jumper dan enjoy semua yg bleh enjoy, aku mnyesal sbb aku bukan minah rajin ksyangan smue, aku menyesal sbb aku bkan genius yg bleh buat smue bende yg wujud dlam dunia nie,,,, aku slalu myesal tp aku takleh nak wat per…aku terjerat,terkongkong dalam hidup yang aku benci,,,, dengan orang yang aku rimas, dengan bende yang bosan dan menyakitkan, bebaskan aku dari mase yg merugikan ni……

BALIK JAYBE….6 March 2009

Isnin nie cuti maulud nabi so campur hari minggu bleh la cuti 3 hari, aku nak balik umah sbb nak beli mesen jahit epal ngn hpon, aku nak jgak 2 bende nie….aku nak cari sampai dapat….bfore balik aku ader tepon ma,, mmg aper yg aku ckap snagt mnyakitkan, aku ckap kat ma,,,aku nak berenti blajar ..aku nak duduk umah makan tido jer…aku dah penat blajar.. dier marah.. suruh aku blajar jer,,die dah tue dah xleh nak tanggung aku lg..sbnarnyer nak sngat aku ckap kat aku nak makan tido ..pastu aku nak bunuh diri,,,,aku macam org tgh high maser tu,,,x tak duli aper dah hancurkan prasaan mak aku camtu jer,,, aku slalu salahkan dier sbb aku dah bosan hidup… sbb dier..aku xder kwn..sbb dier aku x reti nak sayang org lain ..sbb dier aku x tau aper itu dunia aper itu akhirat,,,, sbb dier aku jahil x der jati diri,, sbb dier aku x leh nak enjoy hidup aku.. smue sbb dier..smuer sbb abah…ikat aku macm nie …lpastue lpaskan aku x tau bende terkapai2 sorg2..sunyi dan myedihkan….aku salahkn die sbb aku x bhagia dan aku x reti nak jage diri alu sendiri…tp aku jgak bersalah sbb x reti nak bangkit dan buat hidup aku sendiri….aku dah tak tau cam ner nk berhadapan ngn parent aku lagi…aku sedih…

arghhh!!!!!! ari tu g kl cari kain skg ni g melaka plak!!!! pastu ader ldk plak minggu ni
aku x wat kejer. aku malas...aku malu..aku sedih.. aku konfius....aku sakit hati ngn parent aku.
aku x reti bersosial x reti berkawan ...tgh sengket.. tgh kecamuk thg gler...aku tertekan. ..aku nk kurus..a aku nak jadi orang kaye.aku nak pandai!!!!aku cool...best fren aku cool ngn aku....blik aku sepah..aku nak mati..hu..hu

my poem collections

this is all the poem that i make since i was in the new semester in uitm...
all are mostly heart breaking... i likes makes poems because its the way that i can express myself and learning about myself too. i felt pathetic...oh what the hell...i want to publish it anyway.. woohooo....

In the Grey world

Some how I felt I’m the core of the problem,

Some how I felt I can be much better than this,

Some how I wish I can make them all happier,

Or else, I wish I don’t exist to bother them at all.

This is not how we should be,

We should gather and be merry,

But why can’t I feel that way?

Am I too selfish?

Am I too mean?

I don’t know how to make things better,

So many times I seek for answer,

And so many times I fail,

Some how felt like I don’t want to do it anymore,

It hurts me a lot no matter how much I ignore it.

I’m weak and tired,

So I build a shell,

I live in it…..alone,

Sometimes I saw a hand lent to me,

But I quickly hide,

I’m afraid…so afraid.

Many years passed by,

I’m old and cranky and my shell is broken,

I’m forced to get out with a map I have drawn.

It’s just too beautiful this world is,

And hide so many thorns,

Broken hearted and a thick layer of boredoms,

Make all too gray in my eyes,

Then I felt I’m not good enough.

Because I’m grey as well but maybe a little darker,

Then I learn the art of acting,

I put on colorful mask and dance with rhythms,

They like it they think I’m great,

Cause they don’t know my true colors.

I do it with all my might,

Then I felt tired again,

Nothing much has changed for those I want to love,

They are still like that, thinking I’m weak and stupid,

Then I felt I don’t want to do this anymore.

My world now is different than the world I used to hide,

My world now is no longer the tiny damp room,

My world now is mean and can crash me anytime,

And my world now is the real world with reality.

I’m all messed up,

Tied in the rope I created,

Just like a dummy without puppet master,

The colorful mask is fading,

Under sunshine and rains,

Then lastly I’m no longer a diva,

Just nobody that gone nuts,

As grey as the back ground or maybe a little darker.

By; rubi karia

i show this poem to English lecture when i was in third semester, his name is sir Peter. He is a nice guy. i really adore him. i let him read read and correct some grammar mistakes. i remember that the person that in this poem is wearing a mask . he not comment much. maybe he know that the person is me....

Her reaction

I saw a reaction when she read it;

She said there is something in it;

A little mess up, but really touch the heart;

It’s give a strong weird sense;

Understandable but somehow not really understood;

The emotion of up and down is really close and hurting her;

Then she said, I like this part its so meaningful;

And somehow a little scary;

Saw her like that makes a mix emotions to me too;

What I’m wrote is what in my heart;

Somehow I felt, I’m too just scary;

Too emotional, too down to a cliff,

Her reactions scare me,

And there is nothing I can do,

Cause we both scare,

There is a little mess up in my head,

And I can’t correct it alone,

Not after so many years like that,

I’m helpless,

And need help badly enough I think…,

Some one please trust me .

Some please help me…..

by; rubi karia

for this poem, actually i show the poem grey world to my best friend, Eton and her reaction is really something. she amazed at the same time she also scared...at first when i wrote the grey world i don know what to fell. but seeing her chill...makes me chilling too. i felt i was so young that time when i wrote grey world...i wonder i can i wrote it...

Me….

The real me…. This is the real me…. Empty ….an empty stare;

Nothing to be proud of and no one to hold tightly;

No love or hatred…just empty human soul that decaying, hurt and rotten;

It doesn’t matter what is in my way;

Coz that is nothing I want, no more desire:

Let them past quietly, I will move a side, mirroring their way;

Let them saw nothing differ in me, just girl next door with dewy eyes;

Bored is not in the rules of my life, that just the way it is;

It’s a sin to just to think about boredom;

So just walk even with the eyes closed;

Step by step, don’t need to count,

Must bear with all the torn and mud all the way;

It’s a sin just to be hurt or to be disgust;

It’s a sin to say anything or do anything;

It’s a sin neither to smile nor to cry, tears are demons Childs;

Always keep yourself in the shadow, it’s a rule!

Must remember the they are more hurted than you;

You don’t have the right to be happy;

You don’t have the right to desire anything;

Put your eyes down to earth, sky is bad, never ever try to peek;

All the rules in the big book of me must be followed;

It’s a big sin to disobey it’s really a big sin;

I throw the big book one or twice but it’s never gone;

They all in my head, screaming and yelling at me;

Telling me how sinful I am;

Long and long time had gone and I felt numb;

My eyes is no more looking, just an empty stare with gloomy eyes;

Slowly closed as there is no more of me…..good night dear world.

Rubi Caria

The best place

I want a place I call home

I want a place I can laugh everyday

Then I can cry when I sad

A place where love shine in everyone eyes

Not in words and responsibilities

Someone please tell me where is the place

I want to go there

I really want to go there

That is my dream place

Where I’m no other than other people

We all laugh in jokes, smile and laugh again

This happiness never stop no matter how strong storm is

And more the merrier

There no gap for rich and the poor

There is no gap for strong and weak

Or smart and the dummy

Everyone do they job and help each other

Realizes their dreams and stay together

Tell me where the place is because I want to go there

The place of laughter and smiling faces

The place full of love

Tell me how I can go there……tell me

By; rubi karia

The kind world

World is really kind to me

She let me live

Peacefully and quietly and really safe and

Alone…

Nothing threatening me and nothing please me

Everything goes slow and quietly

Nothing make me happy nor sad its

I eat and sleep and do what little thing I must do.

It’s the same thing everyday of the year

Except I grow older each day.

I look in the sky and there is just a sky,

I look at the grass and there just grass,

This is the just world I live in…

And I got really bored but no place is better than this….

By; the lonely rubi

Malam gelap

Aku sendiri dengan sehelai kertas dan sebatang pen

Ku tulis segala impian dan harapan,

Segala kejadian hayalan,

Kawan-kawan imiginasiku,

Sempit biliku namun luas dunia impian

Tinggal aku disitu dengan khayalanku

Aku sendiri.,

Tiada yang masuk atau keluar bilik kelamku

Aku lah raja yang mengatur segalanya

Tiada apa yang berubah cuma aku semakin tua,

Tiba-tiba biliku di ketuk dan dibuka perlahan-lahan,

Siapa?? Rupanya si tua yang aku lupakan’

Keluar!!! Jeritku jangan gangu hidupku!!!

Ku hempas pintu lalu ku kuncikanya,

Mari kita sambung mimpi yang terbantut,

Aku ketawa sinis

Cuba menhapuskan air mata yang hampir gugur.

Aku mulakan pesta,

Aku menari dan terus menari,

Sehingga ku rebah diatas lantai yang berhabuk,

Jiwaku kosong serta merta, fikiranku kelam,

Air mataku gugur jua,

Aku Tanya pada diriku, siapa kamu??

Aku raja aku lah yang terhebat namun aku terdengar…

Tipu ko cumalah seorang manusia yang kesian…menyedihkan

MASA YANG DIBENCI

Tiada apa yang aku paling benci kecuali masa;

Aku benci pada masa lalu yang memalukan;

Aku bosan pada masa sekarang yang menyakitkan;

Aku tidak suka pada masa depan yang kelam kelabu;

Demi masa;

Sesungguhnya manusia sentiasa kerugian;

Aku manusia yang amat rugi;

Aku bebal tidak gunakan masa yang berharga;

Aku biarkan ia meleleh di celah jari;

Ia bersamaku dan aku biarkan ia pergi;

Sangat sakit aku begitu;

Masa lalu adalah sejarah;

Masa sekarang adalah keputusan;

Masa depan adalah perancangan;

Aku benci segalanya;

Kenyataan didepan mata;

Namun aku masih buta dengan dunia;

Mana masaku, mana arahku;

Aku sesat dalam kelam pemikiranku;

Aku sesat dalam alam fana ini;

Aku sesat dan keliru;

Aku khayal dalam extacy:

Aku manusia yang rugi:

Rubi karia yg bodoh.

RETURN TOO GOOD OLD DIARIES

RETURN TOO GOOD OLD DIARIES-Monday, February 09, 2009

HELLO…..

Its me again…rubi.

I love wrote diaries even though there is nothing happen in my life. I guess it is my hobbies, I love to write how shameful I’m, how pathetic and stupid girl I were.

But instead of wrote in piece of paper, now I’m using computer. So I no need to worries about the ugly handwriting that I hate. And in this cyber world I will publish my journal in the net. I wonder how will someone comment my diaries… it might be ashame. But I don care..but I wish someone that I knew and close to don read it. I hate to think about the consequences. But there is nothing to hold to so why I’m so afraid? I’m useless person anyway. …

Hati.rubi

PIECES OF MY LIFE…Monday, February 09, 2009

I wonder what had I done in all this time… its all getting blur. After my camera broken , It seem that I stop taking picture. I felt that I don do anything at all. I seem to forget how I looks likes before, what I do, who is my friends. I hate having short term memory. Its hard for me to recognize people. Who who’s??...

So I take some picture of me from my roommate…nor air. Maybe I should make a small photos album and put it in my blog,friendster and tagged. I want to remember again….so I felt less lonely.

CAN’T GET JOB DONE TODAY…..

I wake up late today, I just dreaming all day. I can’t sleep. i just open my laptop. See throught some picture n make my journal. Works is awaiting for me. But I just too dizzy to think about this. Yesterday I got stress up making story board. Its just a simple things and I can’t do it, I felt usesless. Tommorow I got pattern and I didn’t touch it for 2 weeks. I’m tired doing nothing and this makes me don want to do anythings. Oh!! I still got 50 design that my lecture want to see this week … I strees up.!!!!i need to do something now!!! First I wil make gud old taste nescafe and start doing my pattern. I know how to do it and I hope I can finish it tonight. I just want to that ….focus rubi!!! go go !!!.. but after nescafe I better tidy up my place …hu..hu

PATTERN DONE!!!…Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Yeah!!!! Althought its took more than 5 hours and using the limits of my mind. I had done my pattern..woohoooo!!!! it’s a heart breaking. I start at dusks and done at mid night. And my leg felt like broken..Aouch!!! ( ithink I’m the only one that finish and done it correctly..ho3)

my roomate *yani* had I big fight with her bf, e-one at kl. And she has break up with him..so all people in my room is single…we already make single roomate club…ho..ho!!.

today is public holiday for thaipusam, yani follow kak duk, a senior photo, shot 4 thaipusam event @kl last weekend and just comeback today. Actually she went there to met her bf but she had a big fight and breakup. Her ex is crazy…I hate him bcause of what he had done to yani…damm u e-one.

my *classmate*,eifa,pia,ira,ety,abin make their dsign together at bench in front of myroom. I join them for awhile. although my classmate seem had different head and selfish, but somehow they love to working together. Yeah we not the most happening class but its really sweet when all gather round do thing together without grouping. We actually gathers every Monday noon making our machine embroidery. Mostly everyone come. But I miss it last week..hu2.

Its already 2 in the morning. I’m so tired …I want to sleep..bay-bay..(=o+)…

ANAK HANTU…..Sunday, February 01, 2009

Ali dlm movie kami the movie 2 mcm aku,..ignor bapak sendiri.. bertahun 2 aku belakangkan badan aku kat abah….aku x pernah rase berdosa….aku cume rase bersalah kat die. Aku marahkan abah. Aku x bahagia….aku penat jadi dari aku marah …baik aku diam…lame2 aku lupe tp marah aku x hilang…tu balasan abah. Die cakap dia hebat ajar budak..anak orang semua jahat. Aku ni plak hantu…kecik2 dlu dia slalu cakap aku hantu. Sumpahan tu dah menjadi…baik mane pon abah slalu kat sejadah dan quran kat mulut…aku ttp hantu. Tu adalh sumpahan aku……………

Anak hantu;….rubi…